You’ve finally had the conversation you were putting off. You’ve stuck to the facts. You’ve explained what it cost.
And the reaction comes straight back: “That’s not fair.” Or “Everyone else does it.” Or “Nobody told me.” Or just folded arms and silence.
At that point it’s understandable to do one of two things: argue the point, or back off and soften the message until there’s nothing left of it. Both leave the problem exactly where it was.
Defensive is normal
I spent two years studying feedback, and this was the most important thing I learned: a defensive reaction isn’t a decision. It happens before the person has even understood what you said.
The amygdala, the brain’s alarm system, is fast. In one brain-imaging study it reacted to fearful faces within 20 to 30 thousandths of a second (Luo et al., 2007), well before conscious thought catches up. And the brain doesn’t keep a separate alarm for social threats. UCLA’s Naomi Eisenberger found that being left out activates the same region of the brain as physical pain (Eisenberger, 2012).
Put simply, our lizard brain doesn’t know the difference between “Can I give you some feedback?” and a great white shark. Both mean danger. Both mean protect yourself.
So a defensive reaction doesn’t mean the conversation has failed. It means it has started. Your job now is to keep it going, and give the rest of their brain time to catch up.
1. Don’t argue the reaction
“That’s not fair” is not the topic. If you start debating whether it’s fair, you’re now having a different conversation.
Acknowledge it, then come back to the facts:
“I can see you don’t agree. I want to understand that. Can I just go back to what happened on Tuesday?”
2. Slow it down
When someone gets defensive, the natural reaction is to talk more: explain, justify, add examples. Do the opposite. Say less. Pause longer.
Silence gives the other person room to think, not just react. Often the second thing they say is far more useful than the first.
3. Get curious
You may not have the full picture. Something may be going on that you don’t know about: workload, a problem at home, a process that doesn’t work.
“Help me understand how you see it.”
Then listen to the answer. You don’t have to agree with it, but you do need to hear it. People are far more likely to accept feedback once they feel heard.
4. Keep it to one thing
When a leader has put a conversation off for a while, there’s a temptation to bring the whole list. The moment the list comes out, the person shuts down.
One situation. One behaviour. One impact. If there are other issues, they can wait for another conversation.
5. Ask what they’d change
Once the heat has gone out of it, hand the next step to them. They see their own work every day, so they’re often more aware of what’s getting in the way than you are. Their idea is usually better than yours, and they’re far more likely to follow through on it.
“Looking at this, what do you think you could do differently from here?”
Then agree when you’ll check in: “Let’s catch up on the 24th and see how it’s going.” If they need time to think, give it. Just make sure you do pick it up.
The point
A defensive reaction is not a reason to stop. Handled well, it’s often the moment the real conversation begins.
Practise it live. On Thursday 26 November, 12.30pm to 2pm, I’m running a 90-minute online session on giving feedback, with practice and Irish workplace examples. Learn more here
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